Do you have to be happy to find love?

I love reading the Modern Love section of the New York Times.

Friday morning as I woke up, a new article had posted that had a line I had to write to you about.

The line said:

“Everyone says you have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness with someone else.”

You’ve heard that before, right?

In talking with countless women and men about being single, breaking up, figuring out if they want to commit, and being married, I’ve learned over the years that there are phrases that keep getting passed on from one person to another, disguised as good advice that “should” make you feel good, but doesn’t.

This line seems to be one of them.

Here’s the thing…

Being happy with you, or even loving yourself fully, is a JOURNEY.

It’s not a destination where you suddenly find yourself feeling whole and perfect (even if you’re doing the inner work) and then you find your special someone and that’s it.

Happiness can be a journey of lifetimes in my opinion.

If you think that people in relationships or even those that seem happily married have figured out this whole “happy with yourself” thing, you’d be highly mistaken.

Now is this statement also true? YES!

Without looking inwards, discovering our barriers to love and connection, and trusting and understanding who we are and what we want, it’s hard to have the happiness we desire.

But, one thing I want to clear up…

You don’t have to be perfect or happy all the time to share your life with someone amazing.

Whether someone is single or in a great relationship, we are in the same boat – the human being boat.

The boat where humans are on their soul’s journey to evolving into the most loving, happy, compassionate, limitless versions of ourselves.

I know I’ve chosen to be on that path.

And I’m guessing if you’re here reading this you feel a similar calling to be the best version of yourself.

I choose this path when I was about 8 years old.

I remember sitting outside on the grass at yoga camp, indian style, starring at the man dressed in white teaching us how to drink water from our nose (a yogic technique to cleanse your nasal passages.)

Staring at him because he had a glow that was undeniable and indescribable.

All I could feel was happiness exuding from him.

It was like being in his presence made me happier.

I called him Guru.

This man had meditated for close to 20 years in the Himalayan Mountains of India.

When he would talk about enlightenment, happiness, the limitless capabilities of ourselves, the words, no matter how unbelievable, would land on my ears and hit my heart as truth.

The reason I’m going on and on about this experience is…

Because that’s what happiness can look like (not that my path or your path has to look like his), not someone randomly saying, “I’m really happy!” when you ask how they are.

That happiness lasts for moments.

Most of us have a range of emotions in every moment of every day.

I mean I can go from….

Waking up excited and happy because it’s a brand new day and the sun is shining

to sad and crying because I look over and see a picture of my parents and brother and I miss seeing them,

to checking my email and getting angry because something happened in my business that shouldn’t have,

to disappointed because I wanted to talk to a friend about something and she doesn’t pick up the phone,

And this can happen all within a 15 minute time period!

It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions. It is LIFE.

Truth is I’ve learned that my life is way more enjoyable and exciting when I’m embracing all of those emotions within myself, not just happiness.

Getting into a space of allowing all of our emotions (including the “negative” ones) actually allows for a deeper connection with the right person versus showing up as perfect all the time.

So, when someone simply doles out the advice that when you’re happy you can find happiness with someone else – it’s true AND it doesn’t mean you have to be perfect to fall in love and meet the person you’re meant to spend your journey with.

Tell me in the comments below, how does it feel for you when someone tells you this, do you think you need to be perfect to find love?

In Love,


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