Why people lie (especially in love)

This week something happened between and Hemal and I that most may think isn’t a big deal – but for me it was.

Hemal lied about something.

As I tell the below very personal story, recognize that my story isn’t going to be your story. That said, I’m sure that my emotions and thoughts are things you have felt before, so notice that and reflect.

Hemal attended a coaching course this weekend that helped him understand himself better and shifted the way he saw his life and the way he relates to it.

One aspect of the course was about integrity and how we often aren’t even aware of how we say one thing and our actions reflect another.

Well, while reflecting on this Hemal told me he had something to tell me.

He started off by saying, “I didn’t realized that not saying certain things to you was a form of lying.”

Then he nervously said, “Well there are times that when I am ordering food, I will order fish when you aren’t home.”

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, which is quite unusual for me.

To give you some background, I am vegetarian and we created a rule before we got married that we wouldn’t have any meat or fish in the home.

I knew if we did, I would be unhappy at home everyday.

I was even willing to understand if Hemal didn’t want to be with me if he did want meat in the home.

Being such a loving man, Hemal agreed because he knew it would make me happy.

But in this moment after him telling me this, I was feeling and thinking all kinds of things.

I made a conscious effort to stay in observation of all of my thoughts and feelings, so I could express what was true for me not just react out of spite or hurt.

As I watched myself, my mind went straight to how deceptive he was being:

I wonder what he did with the wrappers when I got home.
Was he hiding other things from me?
This was kind of deceitful of him.

Suddenly my loving eyes turned to seeing him as the enemy. As I kept watching my thoughts and feelings, I realized I was hurt by what he had just said.

So I said, “I am upset that you didn’t trust our relationship enough to tell me the truth.”

He responded, “I understand that you are hurt, and what you have to understand is that I just didn’t know that I was withholding something from you until after this weekend.”

I was trying to take that in, but my mind was in overdrive. I was thinking about how he didn’t care about me. How he didn’t respect me. How could he just go back on something we agreed upon.

Then I started asking him weird questions like, “What would you do with the garbage afterwards?”

In my mind I could see him sneaking towards the garbage can and pushing the fish products all the way down to the bottom or running to garbage shoot to get rid of the evidence.

He easily without any nervousness said, “I would throw it out in the garbage or take it out with the trash.”

Hearing that wasn’t helping. Why did I even ask that?

I was conflicted with the part of me that was hurt and upset making him wrong for what he did, and the intuitive part of me which was saying, “You believe in freedom, and by keeping this rule alive it is cutting off his freedom. You believe in hiding nothing and keeping space in the relationship for open honest conversations because that is what increases intimacy.”

This conflict then had me keep saying to him, “Do you know how you doing that made me feel?”

He said, “Not really?”

I again felt hurt. That’s when I heard this voice inside of me say:

Tell him how you feel.

So, I did. What I revealed next wasn’t to convince him of how he hurt me or how what he did was wrong. It wasn’t wrong. He was coming from a simple place of not realizing he wasn’t being honest by leaving something out.

I then said to him, “I just need you to know how I feel. This isn’t to make you feel guilty. I just think about a fish getting caught, and a hole through its mouth, and then being taken from its home. I can feel all of that and that is just a part of me. That’s why it bothers me so much. I feel so much sometimes that I can’t even walk by a homeless person without checking my purse several times for any cash or coins that I might have.”

The moment I expressed that, I realized something.

When my friends are around they often ask me, “Are you good with me eating X (meat related dish)?” and I typically say, “Totally fine”.

Sometimes I’m honestly okay with it and other times I wish I would say, “Are you cool if we are both veg for this meal?”

I hold that back because I don’t want to infringe upon someone else’s freedom and choice (which I respect).

When I realized that, it was clear I was more upset with MYSELF for holding that in with everyone I loved – not just Hemal.

After talking all of this out and having my own realizations, something released for me.

I immediately felt better.

I shifted just by expressing how I truly felt, not to change his mind, but to let out my feelings.

Often when we want a man to FEEL us (not literally – you know what I mean), it is because we aren’t FEELING it ourselves.

I then said, “If you do it again, just let me know. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things from me”

I wasn’t saying this in a controlling way, this was just me saying it’s okay and I understand where he’s coming from, so let’s keep an open and honest dialogue around it.

I was more committed to him having his freedom and us being honest with each other, then being right. And I could let go of that because I had expressed everything.

I have to say something magical came out of that conversation.

We fell in love with each other even more. I feel even closer to him.

Moving through this difficult conversation to a place of understanding has us feeling even more connected. Funny how when you are committed to each other and being open, what can come out of it.

Here’s the thing.

When we leave little things left unsaid in any relationship – it eats away at our level of intimacy with that person.

When I say intimacy, I don’t mean anything sexual per say. I just mean the level of connectedness we have.

Truth is that we are often afraid to tell the truth, just like Hemal was.

Afraid that the person we love will get mad at us or just be upset in general.

We can make up a lot of stories around what “could” happen, so we hold back, keep it in, and suppress it.

As we are doing that energetically we create a barrier to really connecting on a deeper soul level with the person you love.

The key to revealing is just to be vulnerable. The other person will have a reaction, just like I did.

Let them have their reaction. They deserve that understanding from you and from that understanding something beautiful emerges.

This can show up even in dating situations.

Maybe you hold back certain feelings and thoughts because you think that it isn’t light, cool, or fun enough to say. You don’t want to come across as too heavy, intense, or emotional.

I’m not saying it’s bad to be the cool, light girl or it’s good to be emotional and intense.

I’m saying I want you to have the freedom to express whatever you wish in the moment, and not abide by rules that say “keep it light” – meanwhile you are a deep person and like to have substantial conversations.

When you let yourself express what it is that you wish, a deeper sense of intimacy gets created. From that space, when it’s the right man, guess what happens?

He comes closer to you.

Your Lovework this week is to tell me in the comments below a situation where you revealed something that was hard for you and how that brought you closer to that person. I can’t wait to read about these moments for you.

In Love,


Sign up for free updates

    By entering your email, you consent to receive marketing & promotional messages from Kavita Jhaveri.