Kavita pensive on the beach

Feeling a connection with a man that isn’t pursuing you? Here’s why

Have you ever felt a connection with a man that felt good and REAL, like there was definitely something between the two of you that you knew you had to explore further?

The first couple of dates were magical and the more time you spent with him the feeling of connection grows. Internally you may be like “Wow, I rarely feel this connection I don’t even know where it is coming from. Am I little crazy for feeling this way?” and yet there is something undeniable about it that you are compelled to follow.

After several more super-connected dates, you finally get the nerve to ask him what he’s looking for and he tells you he’s not looking for anything serious right now.

Your mind starts racing a hundred miles per minute trying to justify his answer. Maybe he just got out of a long-term relationship, or is really focused on his career, or some other reason – but it hits you in the gut because you were starting to feel like he could be YOUR guy.

 “Well great, now what am I supposed to do with that?” you think.

You’re flooded with mixed emotions ranging from angry to confused. You want to see where this connection could go because these feelings don’t happen to you all the time.

But he just gave you some information that lets you know you’re not on the same page.  

So do you give your time to someone who clearly doesn’t want a relationship? Or do you give it your all and hope for the best – that the connection you’re feeling will turn into long term happiness?

The truth is: just because there’s a connection between two people doesn’t mean its going to be a committed relationship. {Tweet This!}

But why do we have such strong connections with people, even people that we just met, if they don’t turn into something that lasts?

Let’s use my client Amber’s story as an example.

One of Amber’s biggest complaints while dating was that she was always going out with men who she connected with either emotionally or physically – but never both at the same time.

It was basically infuriating to her because the connections would be so strong one way or the other, but just didn’t link up to be the total package.

She recently went out with this guy who changed that all up for her. They went out to dinner and really connected – their conversation was invigorating, he gave her butterflies, he planned their dates and paid attention to her likes and dislikes, making sure each date would really make her happy.

After a few dates of total emotional and physical connection, Amber was finally reminded of what it was like to be dating someone that she could connect with on all levels. But right after she realized this, he let her in on the fact that he had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and he was still getting over it – he didn’t want anything serious right now.

Amber wanted something long term, and she was crushed. She began to second guess herself and doubt her ability to intuitively know when there is a real connection with someone.

She said to me, “Kavita I just don’t get it! How can I have these amazing connections with people and it still isn’t right? Am I totally wrong that there is a connection when there actually isn’t and I’m just making myself look like an idiot thinking it should go further?”

“There is ABSOLUTELY a connection” I told her.

“You weren’t being blind to some unforeseen sign that it was wrong- you were totally connecting with this guy and he was connecting with you. It was felt on both sides. But the truth is that not every connection leads to a love story, even if it’s really strong.”

I went on to explain that she was expecting her love story to fit inside a formula, like SO many of us are.

We think: Amazing connection —> commitment —> long term relationship bliss.

We want to find love so badly that if there was a formula of some sort it would HELP, but love doesn’t fit into a formula!

The number one thing you can do when you feel a strong connection with someone that you realize isn’t going where you want it to go is to:

Allow the connection to be true instead of thinking that you did something wrong or that you were making it up in your head.

So often I see so many of my women immediately go into:

What was I missing?

Was I totally wrong in feeling what I was feeling?

Can I not trust myself to know when I should pursue something?

Why do I keep “connecting” to all of these men and they STILL aren’t right for me?

Connection feels powerful, and it is.

We connect with people in ways that we can’t always explain at intensities that don’t make sense because they are ultimately here to reflect back something that is happening for you.

In Amber’s example, this man was here to remind her that she CAN have it all when it comes to being physically and emotionally into someone and to remind her of what that feels like.

She didn’t WASTE time by having this experience, she GAINED clarity.

If you’ve ever questioned why you connect with certain people and not others, or beaten yourself up about thinking that a connection with a man was supposed to go the distance and it didn’t, reflect back on the friendships or relationships that you had that are no longer a part of your life.

They were were all CONNECTIONS and you were both a great part of each other’s lives at one time.

Even if you lost touch, it doesn’t mean that it was a meaningless exchange.

So the next time you start to doubt yourself or feel defeated after a connection ends, follow these steps:

1) Be nice to yourself.

In these moments, we immediately jump to beating ourselves up. Start by choosing kinder words when talking to yourself. You are not lacking, missing the signs, or an idiot for exploring the connection. You felt something there, and you took a risk. This is 100% better than having regrets for not exploring the connection.

2) Get back into trust.

Treat yourself to something nice. Buy yourself some flowers, get a massage, or a nice new journal. Some self care will help take the edge off of your doubt and back into trusting that you know what is best for you.

3) Get present and breathe.

I know in these situations we wish we could change what happened because we really wanted it to work. It is important to get present and breathe into the moment, because you can’t go back, but we can move ahead.

4) Find the AHA.

Think about what the connection reminded you of that was positive. Like for Amber, she was reminded that she can have both a physical and emotional connection with a man. Maybe you were reminded that you are desired by a man again, or you got clear that you are looking for a man who is totally and 100% ready to tell you how he feels about you. These are all good outcomes of temporary connections.

5) Remember growth from past connections.

Past relationship connections served you in some way, no matter how bad the breakup was (friendship or relationship). Remember all the ways that this connection served you, even if it didn’t last. All connections are put in your life for that reason. This reflection is proof that not every connection is our long lasting love story, but a connection on our journey to the right man.

When you start to really allow yourself to allow connections to happen without the expectation that they need to turn into something long term, you are able to more easily see why they were brought into your life at this moment in time.

This will actually open you up to letting in MORE connections (because you’re not putting all the pressure on one connection to be IT) and will let you filter through the wrong men faster and lead you to the right one.

So your Lovework this week is in the comments below write a one-sentence THANK YOU to someone you had a connection with even if it was brief. What is something positive you got out of the connection?

I know you’ve got something, and I want to hear it!

In Love,


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