Protector or Boss?

Is being bossy good for your relationship?

Getting into a relationship that lasts a lifetime or even for several years can be tricky. Little characteristics about your partner that  weren’t that big a deal in the beginning start to look like huge character flaws after a year or so.

And somehow you find yourself getting irritated quickly, especially over things that seem so small and illogical. These seemingly large character flaws trigger you and make you feel like your partner just isn’t enough for you.

I know there are definitely times where you feel the love with your man, but in those moments of frustration those loving moments seem few and far between, don’t they? Well, I totally get it I have been there, and what I have realized is that when we get triggered due to noticing his character flaws, we begin to overcompensate by making sure we handle his flaws.

For example, I noticed with my husband that he needs time to react to situations. If I ask him a question that catches him off guard he will say “I don’t know”, which really is code for I need time to think about it. I on the other hand I am a go getter, spontaneous, make things happen now type.

I saw his need to take time to think things through as a flaw. So, when we needed to make any type of decision, like finding a new apartment. I would follow up with him on what places he saw, what did he research, and when he would be talking to new brokers. I was all over him. And let’s just say he hated all of the following up. He would get annoyed and we would get into an argument. He would say I have it handled, and I would find myself getting defensive saying I am just saying this because I care. Sound familiar?

I became bossy to overcompensate for what I thought was a flaw in my husband. The problem was it wasn’t a flaw it was a different way of doing things. As much as you believe this is the right way to handle him because your man procrastinates, doesn’t take care of himself, or just doesn’t “get” it. What you are basically doing is creating a parent child relationship instead of a partnership. Now I get it there is a fine line, so let me explain our real role as a partner in a relationship.

When we choose to love someone, we want him to be safe, healthy, and happy.  Of course we don’t want him to suffer or be in pain.  This is what I call protection mode. Protection defined by is to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, cover or shield from injury or danger. When we love, our animal instincts kick in and we go into protection mode, and here is where we get to the fine line between protection and being bossy.

The military protects us against harm, so that we can have freedom and live our lives the way we choose. The military doesn’t sit there and regulate our every move as a form of protection. Otherwise this wouldn’t be freedom to be who we are, it would be a dictatorship where we have to listen and act per another person’s viewpoint.

Do you see what I mean? Protection and being bossy I know seem like totally separate things, but when it comes to what is motivating us in our relationships, they are related and often mixed up. Protecting your partner means assuming he knows what he is doing, trust, and support his efforts, even when you are not quite sure how he will make something happen (just like we trust the military is doing their job). Taking the bossy approach will only lead to frustration and butting heads.

Here are 3 ways you can go from bossy to creating a TRUE partnership:

  1. Ask Yourself – Do you want something more for your partner than they want from themselves? If a yes comes up, you are allowed to mention the benefits of what you think, but then it is not up to you. Plant the seed and let nature take care of the rest.
  2. Wait For The Question – If your man is struggling with something then wait for him to ask you your thoughts, don’t just offer them up all the time. Every time you tell him what to do without him asking, you are wearing away at his ability to provide for you.
  3. Ask For Help – A man loves it when you ask for his help because it taps into his innate potential to provide for you. When you play I can handle everything all the time, it makes him feel like he is not needed, and of course he is needed. You also need to admit that you need him and ask for his support.

When you follow these tips and set the mood for both of you to be protective but not overbearing and bossy, the appreciation and love will flow even easier because both of you will feel like a person and as a part of the relationship ! As usual, I’d love to hear how it works for you in the comments.

In Love,


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