Why being the cool girl backfires

Stop trying to be the cool easy going girl

I’m writing this on the plane to Peru. We’re headed there for my birthday! Here’s Hemal and I at the airport 🙂

cool easy going girl

Have you ever had a man pursue you really hard in the beginning and then suddenly start to pull away?

Especially after you let your guard down and felt safe to reveal how you felt about him?

Well, you aren’t alone. This happens A LOT.

The guy’s leading the way. Asking you out on the second and third date. The dates are long, you’re having fun getting to know each other, and frankly it just feels good to be pursued and paid attention to.

You think, “Finally! A guy that actually makes plans and cares enough to follow through.”

You’re open, not thinking too much and enjoying the moment…or so you think. You want to be the cool, easy going, fun girl.

Because isn’t that what men want?

After texting and communicating over a week or more, you want to tell him how you feel about him.

So you text him, “I really enjoy spending time with you and I’m glad we’re getting to know each other. I just wanted to express that just in case you were wondering how I feel.”

But what you really want to ask is, “I really like you. Do you like me?”

You don’t want to come on too strong, and you don’t want to seem too aggressive, so you hold off.

Plus, that text you just sent is a big deal for you. It was vulnerable, and you were trying to let him in…slowly


After that text, he starts to pull away. Suddenly you’re asking him out again. He’s no longer leading – now you find yourself taking the lead.

Your biggest fear is coming true. He’s not reciprocating your feelings.

You tell yourself, “See, I knew it! I should’ve played it cool longer.”

I’m going to tell you the truth here. Something most people aren’t going to tell you.

Trying to be the fun, easy girl is the PROBLEM.

Why being the cool girl backfires.

When you try to act like that girl, you aren’t being yourself. You’re playing a role. You’re holding in your emotions and aren’t talking about the topics that really mean something to you – which is crucial in finding out what he likes and dislikes (to see if you’re a match).  

In most areas of your life, this isn’t how you operate. But when it comes to men, you’ve been burned so many times, it’s just easier to listen to the rule that you should act cool and it will work.

But it doesn’t.

When you are yourself from the very first interactions – where you express your opinions, thoughts, and feelings about anything and everything – then if the guy asks you out again and again, he is really into YOU.

If you go out with a guy and he pulls away, it’s time to ask yourself:

Was I not being fully myself?

If I wasn’t being myself, why?

If you were being yourself, then ask yourself, “Was he really right for me, if he wasn’t drawn to who I am?”

When you’re deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone (which hopefully, will be for a long time!) you absolutely deserve someone that loves you for the places you are fun and exciting, AND for the places we are awkward, controlling, and emotional.

So LEAD with that and the man who is right for you will stick around.

Let me know in the comments below if you remember a time you weren’t yourself on a date. Did you have a similar experience of him pulling away?

I want to know.

In Love,


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