I have officially landed in LA for the winter. I am SO happy to be here. The warmth keeps me going and in creation in a way that just feels good for me.

This week, I want to ask you:

Have you ever been told you are too much or not enough of something?

It may have been your ex, your mom, dad, friends or family members saying you are too loud, too emotional, too successful or too masculine.

Maybe you have been told you aren’t social enough, you can be boring or you aren’t smart enough.

I know for me, the men I dated in the past used to tell me that I was too intense.

This idea women have that we are “too much” or “not enough” came back up for me this week because one of my clients, Beth, who hadn’t been in a significant relationship in at least 5 years, recently fell in love but had a huge fear of being too much for him.

Her boyfriend is an amazing guy. He said “I love you” to her on New Years Eve.

This man is loving, attentive, thoughtful and is consistently letting Beth know how much he misses and loves her.

This is her dream come true.

You would think she is on cloud 9, taking in all the excitement of having dinners that turn into sleepovers that turn into breakfast that turn into adventure.

She was enjoying those moments, for sure, but something else was happening for her.

She was feeling a lot of anxiety around falling in love.

See this amazing guy also travels a lot.

He will be away for about 8 days at a time and during that time they text and make plans for when he get’s back.

But Beth has been feeling increasingly amounts of anxiety around it.

She said to me on our call this week, “I don’t know why I am feeling all of this. I literally feel like I’m crazy. He is amazing. But days like today when he doesn’t text me until the late afternoon, I have anxiety all day until I hear from him. I literally start to think he is not thinking of me and things are just going to end.”

She continued, “I am terrified of losing him. I just want to get rid of this anxiety. What do I need to do?”

I said, “First allow the anxiety to be a guide. It is telling you something. What do you think it is?”

Beth said, “Well, because he travels a lot I just need a little more communication from him. I want to be able to make plans for certain weekends and I feel like I can’t ask for any of that because I just don’t want to seem too needy or demanding or like I am insecure in any way.”

What she was really saying was she didn’t want to ask for what she needs because if she does, he may no longer like her and break up with her because she is too much.

I said to Beth, “First you have to recognize that this anxiety has truth in it. The truth is that you aren’t asking for what you need and want.” {Tweet This}

Then I asked, “If he doesn’t text do you text him throughout the day?”

She said,  “Rarely. I just don’t want him to feel like I am insecure and need that.”

I said, “Of course you need that! You are allowed to need stuff. That doesn’t mean you are insecure. He has no idea what kind of communication you need. He is just doing what comes natural to him or maybe he is thinking he doesn’t want to keep bugging you all day.

Right now you have no idea.  What you are doing is trying to test him to see how much he is still into you so you can ensure you have control over the situation. Let go of the control. It is driving you nuts.

Start communicating more with him in the way you need. If you need to talk in the morning and evening ask for that. Make the kind of plans you need and want. All of this resisting needing things is making you spiral in your head.”

Beth said, “I don’t want to have to ask for it. I just want him to want to talk to me more. What if I ask for what I want and then he thinks I am just too needy and ends it?”

After I heard this I kind of lost it.

I hear this from women all the time. So, I want you to read the following closely.

I am really passionate about this one.

A man cannot read your mind.

He does want to make you happy and he does care.

Especially the right guy.

In fact by asking for what you need you actually get a sense of the kind of man he is.

If he takes offense to you asking for more communication because you want to connect more, ask yourself if this relationship is giving you the understanding that you are looking for.

Now I will caveat what I just said:

Asking for what you need and want is about having a conversation and talking it through with him.

Getting to a place where you both understand one another and it feels good for both.

To help Beth start that conversation, I gave her this script:

“I know you have been traveling a lot and I understand that. I have been on the other side of that having to travel so I understand. I will also say that it is has been a little difficult for me because I do want to communicate more than we have been. It just helps ground me in knowing where we are at. Sometimes I can easily go into questioning our connection and if it can withstand all of this traveling. I have already judged myself for seeming insecure or needy, and it’s hard for me to even have this conversation. Would you be open to talking more on the phone or just messaging more back and forth, so I can still feel connected to you while you aren’t physically here?”

I told her, “Once you say something along those lines, you will overturn this belief that you are too much. You aren’t not too much and this man is just as lucky to have you as you are to have him.”

Beth had this conversation with her boyfriend and he totally got it.  She also started texting him more and noticed this helped her anxiety to dissipate even more.

So remember, if you’re dating or falling in love and feeling anxiety around the relationship, ask yourself if there is something you’re holding back because you’re afraid of being too much or too little of something.

Often, when we express it, the anxiety dissipates and we get even more clear on if the person we’re with is right for us.

Your Lovework this week is to ask yourself if you have labeled yourself too much or too little of something in someway. How is that impacting how you ask for what you need and want in relationships? Let me know in the comments below.

P.S. For Beth this “too much” belief is connected to how she grew up and often being told by her Mom that she was too much to handle. She is also having a conversation with her Mom, because the way she interpreted that too much statement isn’t really what her mom meant. I just had to throw in how this belief is connected to childhood and parents as well. 🙂

In Love,