I am really annoyed about something today. I was talking to a friend of mine recently who has been in a relationship for 6 years and her parents have really been pressuring her to figure out when they are going to get married.
Her dad even sent an email to her boyfriend asking what his intentions are. He didn’t respond because he didn’t know what to say.
That only ended up accelerating things more because now her family was worried that his intentions weren’t pure towards her!
But before I tell you the whole story, what really gets me riled up is when we:
1) Think relationships should just work themselves out, that they don’t require work.
2) Take little accountability for what is happening in the relationship and think it is the guy’s fault.
3) Avoid having conversations that are difficult and assume a fantasy because that just feels easier.
All of this was happening to my friend, K because, it was the Universe’s way of saying you are avoiding something and we are going to make it really hard for you to keep doing that.
For the first time in 6 years she asked her boyfriend G, about his intentions around getting married.
He said to her, “I love you and I am really scared of getting married. I watched my mom and dad divorce in a very ugly way and my mom really didn’t take it well and because of everything I experienced I am just really fearful of what marriage means.”
Now, when he said this she immediately took that as “He doesn’t want to marry me.” She felt rejected and couldn’t understand how after 6 years he wasn’t sure that he wanted to get married.
There was also a part of her that understood. She could totally relate to how scared he was, which she didn’t expect, yet she really felt was true.
K felt angry, confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed. And on top of that, what the heck was she going to say to her family?!
She mustered up the courage to tell her parents what he had said and they of course FREAKED out. They freaked because they couldn’t comprehend how he could allow himself to be in a relationship with her for this long and never think about marriage.
Meanwhile, K was telling them, “Well I never really wanted to get married either” but her parents completely by-passed that as if she had no idea what she was talking about.
So, what K said to me was, “I think we are going to have to break up.”
I said, “Really, after 6 years?”
She continued, “He is saying that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, he wants to be with me, and needs a little time to figure out what is blocking him. He decided to see a therapist to work through what was blocking him around the idea of marriage. But I can’t sit here and wait around for him to figure all this out.”
K was ready to do what she had done so many times in the past when it came to making a commitment – she was ready to leave because it felt easier than thinking about having to WORK through things. It was all just too overwhelming.
What I immediately said to her was, “K, you hadn’t once in 6 years mentioned to him that you wanted to get married, why didn’t you ever bring it up?”
She said, “Well we would loosely talk about it and I just assumed it would happen sometime in the future.”
I immediately launched into my infamous question, “Okay. What is your perception of your parent’s relationship?”
She said that they shouldn’t of gotten married. “They were an arranged marriage in India, and my Dad has made it work. My mom is really demanding and nags him a lot.”
BINGO. My intuition was screaming at me to tell her what was really going on.
I said, “K, relationships are mirrors. They reflect back to you the very thing you NEED to work on, release, figure out, and understand about yourself.”
She asked me what I meant and I continued, “The reason you never brought up anything about what you wanted in the relationship (and probably many other things) is because you see your mom being demanding and nagging your dad and that is the last thing you want to be. Subconsciously you decided that you were never going to bring things up because if you did you would be just like your mom, and you don’t want that.”
I went on, “The other agreement you made without knowing it is that marriage doesn’t work. Looking at your parent’s relationship you really didn’t want it. So you got into this relationship because you wanted to play and not have to think about that.”
She was like, “You are RIGHT! I didn’t realize that all this was going on in the background.
I said, “I know most people DON’T. Whatever G is going through around being scared about marriage you are also going through in your own way. You think he has mommy issues, and that is what is keeping him from wanting to get married. You have mommy issues too! (Truth is that isn’t just mom, it is always both parents that play a role in your love life).”
She said, “I was so ready to just let this all go because it felt easier.”
I said, “Really is that really easier? Leaving the man you love and have shared a life with for 6 years to just get married to someone else because that is what your parents want? That is no way of LIVING, and even if you did do that you would still face the exact same problems in your next relationship. You can’t escape what you aren’t dealing with. None of us can.”
I told her to give him some time, and during that time she needs to figure out what is blocking HER in love.
“DEAL WITH IT. NO MORE AVOIDING!” I said.
She heard me and she saw the entire situation completely differently.
She said, “I do have to figure out my relationship with my parents and what is making me feel repulsed by marriage. I can’t put this all onto G. It is up to both of us. I also see how he is just reflecting back to me the emotional places I haven’t dealt with how I feel.”
I said, “GOOD. That is a good first step!”
Now this week I am sharing this with you because I see this ALL the time: people being under the illusion that relationships SHOULD be easy.
They aren’t meant to be easy.
Whether you are dating, have recently gotten out of a relationship, or are in a relationship right now.
Each of those experiences are just mirrors for what is stopping you from REAL LOVE.
Breadcrumbs, as I call them, to show you where you can really start to LET LOVE IN.
I know that this is so uncomfortable for most of us.
It requires us to get sad, cry, get vulnerable, messy, and have to confront hard situations to understand what we are avoiding in our lives.
But you can do it.
So this week your Lovework is to tell me what you are avoiding in relationships.
Tell me in the comments what that is. It could be with your relationship with a friend, a sibling, or a parent. It doesn’t have to be a man.
Every relationship is a call to action for you to let love in FURTHER. {Tweet This}
I PROMISE YOU this paves the path to having LOVE and a relationship that is pure magic (and SOUL-FULL!)
In Love,
