If He Is Happy, I Am Happy (Not True)

Have you ever used this phrase, “If he is happy, I am happy”?

I sat with a client of mine the other day, and she meekly yet proudly stated “I would be happy if he was happy, but he isn’t so how in the world can I be?”

This statement is amazingly selfless, hence why I picked up on the undertone of pride in her voice. Having the ability to put someone else before you is an important quality to have, however when it comes to your relationship with your man, this form of selflessness may be traumatizing it.

When you think about the expression, the meaning starts to unveil itself. What we are saying when we say, if he is happy I am happy, is basically our entire state of happiness is resting on someone else’s shoulders. Someone else is responsible. So, until he finds a way to feel fan-freaking tastic from the inside out, we as women, will remain “somewhat miserable”.

Odd when you look at it that way right? I mean most women whether or not they feel the need to say this phrase or not, they are thinking it and acting it out in their relationship.

For example, my client’s husband was pretty upset because he recently finished his MBA and wasn’t able to find a job. So, she came to me to discuss how hard it was on their relationship. I can totally understand how difficult something like this can be. But his circumstance, notice how I said circumstance, because life situations are not permanent everything is always evolving. One day no job next day you get a job.

Getting back to my point, the way she was handling his down and out feeling about not having a job made me wonder.

Essentially she thinks if she worries just as much as he does and is upset just as much as he is, then she has done her job as a wife/partner. I am all for compassion, trust me it is what I live by, but what I am not all for is losing yourself in your partners circumstance, which then leads you down the unhappy path along with your man. If you do this all you have in your relationship are now two unhappy people, which is a recipe for disaster.

In these moments, what is required for you to feel connected in your relationship is to stand firm in your own happiness. Let that be the light that guides him. And the only way for you to have access to allow your light to shine, is to trust that he knows what he is doing, even when it seems he can’t figure it out.

In other bolder words, treat your man like a MAN.  Sometimes the mother and care giver comes out and we begin to treat our man like a child. So, I am going to say it once, okay maybe twice…

You are not responsible for HIS HAPPINESS. Let me repeat that YOU are NOT responsible for HIS HAPPINESS. HE is not a child, even if he acts like it sometimes. We all have moments where we want to be comforted, I know I do, but if someone were to treat me like a child all the time, umm let’s just say that would not go over well.

This week’s assignment is simple. Wake up every morning, look in the mirror and say “I am responsible for my happiness, and he is responsible for his.” We are two adults in a partnership. When you interact with your man talk and treat him like he is a grown ass adult, which he is.

This message is being delivered with so much love for you, and your relationship. I want to make certain that you don’t fall into the same traps that I fell into, and that most women fall into. By shifting your energy from him onto you and by trusting he is an adult, your relationship will blossom. You won’t feel like you are babysitting and you can easily support him without it feeling like he is bringing you down.

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In Love,


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