I remember when Hemal (my husband) broke up with me before we were married. It was after 4 years of being together, and thinking he was going to propose and instead he told me he wasn’t happy and he needed space.

I freaking hated that word SPACE.

Like what does that even mean?

I remember thinking, space from what? And of course the only answer I could come up with was space from me.

But that made no sense. I loved him, I understood him, and I supported him so how could he want space from me?

That feeling made me do some interesting things to try to win him back.

I called, even when he hadn’t picked up the first time. I sent him gifts reminding him how much I knew him. I showed up at his door unannounced. I know I know. I sound crazy, right?

Well, most people would have said that and in fact they did.

But what they didn’t know is what was driving me internally, and what they couldn’t know was that I was okay embarrassing myself, putting myself out there and letting Hemal know how much I loved him, because even if he didn’t come back to me it was important for ME to know that I had given it my all.

It was important for me to know that I said what I needed to say, so I wouldn’t have ANY regrets.

The thing is that people are so afraid of looking needy, scared of getting hurt, that we do anything and everything to protect ourselves. Now of course biologically the sole purpose of the brain is to keep you surviving and keep you safe.

When it comes to LOVE and evolvement it is ALL about not being safe and taking risks that feel uncomfortable. {Tweet This}

And my heart innately knew this.

I could get over embarrassing myself, I could get over showing up at his door and getting rejected (which happened).

What I would NEVER be able to get over is knowing I didn’t try to get answers for myself and show him my love.

So what annoys me SO MUCH, is when we are in a space of knowing that we have a connection with someone (we maybe even fell in love or were on the verge of it and he isn’t responding the way we want, our loved ones say to us:

He is being a jerk!

Forget about it, Let it go.

I don’t know why you are being so foolish – don’t reach out to him!

Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing you care.

I know they are saying it because they love you and they are trying to protect you from getting hurt. But protection doesn’t help you move forward or get to the REAL answers so you can move on in a healthy way.

Protecting your heart gets you regret and feeling like you’re stuck.

Now, I want to make a distinction here. What I did in terms of showing Hemal I loved him was coming from a place of GETTING ANSWERS FOR MYSELF, and when I got my answer, I stopped.

I didn’t keep trying to convince him he needed to take me back.

You are allowed to seek out answers for yourself.

What triggered me this week to know I needed to bring this up again was my client Sarah who was getting all this advice from friends and she was denying what her heart was saying.

She had spent some really connected, amazing dates with this man who was also going through some things at work.

In Sarah’s mind, he had pulled away and hadn’t texted her in almost a week.

She told me, “Kavita, I promised myself I wouldn’t text him again because he’s being a total jerk and ignoring me. I cried for like an hour yesterday because I feel so confused about what the heck is going on and then I got mad at myself for even caring!”

Have you ever felt like this?

I’m willing to guess you are just like Sarah and that it feels SO GOOD when there is finally someone who comes around and starts taking care of you, like this guy was for her.

Sarah is the kind of woman that really takes care of everyone – her friends, people at work, her parents, and she just wants to feel like she can have someone that is there for HER when she needs them.

So of course, when a man comes along who demonstrates that he has the capacity to support us, it feels like a whole world opens up for us.

In this situation, Sarah was still feeling a connection with this man but forcing herself not to communicate.

So I said, “The moment you are waiting on him or feeling that sense of rejection and withdraw from him, its like the scenario takes away your power and now you feel like you have no control over the situation and feel helpless. That’s not a healthy place to be either.”

I went on, “I want you to reach out to him and just say ‘Hey I know you’re going through this work thing right now and I can feel that you’re disconnected a bit. I just want to say that I’m here to support you and looking forward to when we can connect again.”

She resisted for a second because she felt like she was “beating a dead horse” but she sent the text.

Within minutes got this response back:

“Im sorry I didn’t reach out, I’ve been so deep in my work stuff. Having your support is really amazing. Can I see you soon?”

In that moment, Sarah realized she had made up this whole thing in her head that he was ignoring her on purpose and that he didn’t like her.

Meanwhile he was still in the same space of being into her, he was just going through something he needed to go through himself.

What I want you to to get from my story and from Sarah’s is that you have the option to CHOOSE saving yourself from REGRET, which is an open hearted space, rather than saving yourself from EMBARRASSMENT, which is a closed hearted space.

When we give ourselves permission to listen to our open-hearted side, even if we feel stupid or embarrassed in the moment, it is better to go THERE than to shut down, close your heart, dismiss someone, and then have regrets.

And way too often when we have the choice, we choose to save ourselves from embarrassment and have regret instead because of pride, ego, or those damn dating “rules”.

Because when you can ask yourself:

Did I do everything I could have done?

Did I say what I needed to say?

Did I express everything I needed to express?

And answer YES to those questions, then you did everything you needed to do.

So what can you do to operate from an open hearted place instead of in fear of rejection or embarrassment?

Here are 4 go-to open-heart tools:

1) Say what you want to say:

When you find yourself feeling compelled to want to communicate with him and you stop yourself – do it anyway. Ultimately if you seem desperate and needy who cares? If he is right for you, it won’t freaking matter. Send the text, email or make the phone call because you will feel back in control and more empowered in the situation.

2) Flip the script:

When you create a story of how the man who’s being distant doesn’t care, create a story of how he does. How has he made you feel taken care of? How has he been there for you?

3) Compliment him even when you’re feeling hurt:

When you’re feeling rejected, it is super likely that he has no intention of doing that. If you’ve had a ton of fun with him and you’ve never expressed that, compliment him and let him know. Our tendency is to not say anything and wait for him to make the move, but letting him feel supported and admired will open things up for him.

4) Forgive yourself for feeling upset.

Stop beating yourself up for feeling confused. This is normal.  Even if you’ve been a mess in front of someone you love or care about, it’s okay. You are operating from a place of love and just from not understanding.  So be kind to yourself instead of beating yourself up because you feel like you look stupid. Having regret is stupid.

Taking these steps will allow you to feel lighter and more empowered  ANY time you run into this situation with a man.

To really integrate this, your Lovework is to tell me in the comments over on the blog if there is anyone out there that you have something left unsaid with or that you feel like you need answers from. What statement do you want to make to them?

Then go make it!

I am totally here to support you.