I had my retreat with my women that I work with one-on-one this weekend! It was incredible. I feel so blessed to be a part of each of their love journeys, and have them experience love in a whole new way! There were many epic moments. One of the favorites was having a dance party on the 22nd floor in a luxury apartment with striking views of the city. We were all present and enjoying the power of a group of women and breaking through in love.
A topic that was coming up a lot during the retreat was fear — fear of the mistakes we have made in the past with men and how that is now stopping us in our tracks in getting out there and dating. The bottom line is that we don’t want to make that same mistake again. Why? Because it was super painful.
I remember when Hemal and I broke up. We were together for 4 years and I thought we were going to get engaged, literally. I was on my way to Cincinnati, where my parents live, and he called me and said he couldn’t do this anymore. At first I was in complete denial and shock. What is he talking about? We are supposed to get engaged, not break up. I asked why, screaming at the phone through the rolling tears of sadness and shock. He said, “I have been unhappy for a while, and I just can’t do this anymore.”
Unhappy! What!
Several weeks passed by and I was still thinking something would change and that it was all a total fluke. That he would realize what he was giving up, what we had shared, the dreams we spoke about. Nothing.
Then I started to overanalyze what went wrong. What did I do wrong, and how did I cause this? How could I have done things differently? I racked my brain trying to figure out what would have made him stay, what would have prevented me from being here in this place where I am now living without him.
What I was really trying to figure out, underneath all the feelings, was how did I cause myself so much pain? The kind pain that no one wants to ever feel. The kind of emotional pain that could beat physical pain any day of the week. The kind of pain the makes you question why you should even get up in the morning. Now that is scary.
Several more weeks passed. The realization that he is not reconsidering sets in.
More time passes. The realization that he will never be coming back sets in.
More time passes. I start to see glimpses of myself again.
I started to ask my friends what they felt went wrong. I tried to make sense of why I spent so much time on something that didn’t work out; why I put my all into that relationship, and why I had to lose it.
I said to myself: It was because I had to learn to be flexible, not so stubborn — something my parents would remind me of my whole life.
My friends said that he didn’t always treat me right in the first place.
Are they right, maybe? So much thinking and thinking. Finally, I land on something that makes some sense to me. It didn’t work out because he wasn’t the kind of man that was going to give me what I needed (i.e. respect, being vegetarian, unconditional love) And I also needed to learn how to be less stubborn and more open to my partner’s desires.
I held onto that lesson. It got me back on my feet, into feeling like me again, and dating.
I secretly vowed to myself that I would never go to that place of pain again.
A year and half later, he comes back into my life. The lessons I had learned, which I was tightly holding onto — that he wasn’t what I needed, and that I needed to be less stubborn — were being questioned.
So you may be wondering: He broke my heart, and so how did I let him back in? How did I trust him again?
I stopped trying to hold on so tightly to the lesson learned. Now I know what you might be thinking: Kavita, he came back to you, so you had the opportunity to think differently. I would say to you, NO.
All of us create lessons learned when our hearts are broken, and then we hold on tightly to those lessons we think we learned in order to validate why it didn’t work out. And over time, especially when you are trying to really create space for a new man to come into your life or date, it becomes a chock-hold on your love life without even knowing it.
So, what am I trying to tell you?
Simply this: You decided the lesson learned when you needed to hold onto the cane to get yourself back up. Now that you are running and jumping, you don’t need the cane anymore. Let it go.
When I saw that seeing Hemal in a certain way was no longer serving me. I let go of the cane and was open to experiencing him in a totally new way.
Right now most of you are not experiencing your dating life in a whole new way or even the relationship you might be in. You are comparing him to your last relationships and loves, and the date in front of you is being compared to past men.
It is time to let it go. The way you remember it, the lesson learned isn’t the full story. It is just something that helped you get back on your feet.
The more you can relate to your past love mistakes from a place of seeing that it was right when it was right, and wrong when it was wrong, it gives you the space to see who is in front of you today versus constantly trying to make sure you aren’t making a mistake like you did in the past.
Lovework:
See how you are painting a picture of a past love in a way that is stopping you from moving on. Or, as a way to validate why you aren’t together anymore.
Start to see that it was the right thing when it was right and the wrong thing when it was wrong, and stop viewing him and your relationship as a static picture. It was a full colored, dynamic, 3D story.
Tell me if you are still living in your past love mistakes? How are you doing that? I want to hear your thoughts. Share with me in the comments below!
In Love,
