Spring is in full bloom and you can feel the spring love in the air. In NYC people start to wear less and less, and there is just a sexual tension that starts to come out. It’s like everyone is getting their mojo back.
As you are reading this I am in Orlando for a conference, then off to Miami for a girl’s week. I can’t wait! I will tell you more on this next week, but I have a really juicy post for you today. I know it is a bit long (especially for all of you that lose interest after the first paragraph!) but please read it anyways. You will get something profound out of it, I promise.
A client of mine, let’s call her Nina, had this thing where she wanted to save men. She even prided herself on the fact that she has remained friends with almost all of her exes. Now of course before Nina came to work with me she didn’t see this pattern. She knew that she was giving and loving in relationships, but she couldn’t see that the reason that she remained friends with her exes was to ensure they were okay post relationship.
Interestingly enough, the ex that she had one of the strongest relationships with refused to be friends with her because it was too hard on him. For Nina, this felt like a big slap in the face because he didn’t want to be in her life.
When we initially started working together, it was puzzling to me where this pattern had come from because we talked through her relationship with her parents and nothing like this was coming up. I explained to her that there was little space in her relationships with men for her to express herself because she was always concerned with how they would take things and if they were fully supported. At some times this would even be at her own expense, which was causing her to not feel fully satisfied in relationships and also to attract in men that needed “saving” instead of the ones that could support her.
This week we hit the jackpot.
Nina was home with her mom and dad doing some of the parent lovework I had given her. Her mom had been out of town for the week, and when she got back the garbage hadn’t been taken out and she was really upset with her husband (Nina’s dad). She complained to Nina all morning saying how Nina’s dad was inconsiderate, and she was even upset with Nina for not taking it out even though Nina doesn’t live there and was just visiting for the weekend.
Nina watched her mom be upset most of the day while her dad was at work. By the time her dad came home, Nina’s mom had talked herself out of the anger and made a full meal that Nina’s dad would love and even managed to put a smile on for him.
As Nina was telling me this story, it hit me. THIS is where she gets it from!
I asked her if it was always like this when she was growing up. She explained that she was aways told not to bother Dad with home stuff, because Nina’s parents had decided that Dad would be the provider and Mom would take care of the home. (It was also because Nina’s dad had a temper, especially with stuff around the home, and so it was just easier to ensure he didn’t get upset.)
So, Nina’s mom always slapped on a happy face and made sure that the home and Dad were always taken care of (even at the expense of her feeling unsupported) so that he wouldn’t get mad or upset.
As we connected the dots for Nina, she was flabbergasted. I said, “You watched your dad get upset when you were younger and decided a long time ago that you would make sure you didn’t do anything that would make him upset by ensuring that he was taken care of, just like your mom did. THAT is what has established your pattern with men.”
Now she could see it as clear as day! In order to release this pattern for her, Nina’s lovework was to talk to her dad and reveal what she had unknowingly decided growing up. Her conversation went something like this:
“Dad, when I was really young I saw that you would get angry at Mom (and her sister) and it was hard to watch and hear, so I decided that I wouldn’t do anything that would make you that angry. I didn’t know that I had made this agreement with myself at that young of an age, but I wanted to know that if I actually expressed myself, would you still love me?”
I know this question sounds lame, but the truth is that she needed to hear from her dad that it doesn’t matter what she says because he will always love her. Can you see how this would break the pattern? This gets to the core of why she feels compelled to save men.
This week’s Lovework:
As a child, what did you decide about how you would express yourself with your mom and or dad? How does that carry into your life right now? As I always say, expressing yourself is the key to finding the right kind of man for you! {TWEET THIS} Share your agreements in the COMMENTS below!
In Love,
